I Want To Marry The Harvest Goddess
by J1210
Summary: I Want to Marry the Harvest Goddess. Little did I know those words I would regret forever. Rated T for Teen. language, suggestive themes, violence. R&R!


**Okies, me and NorthsideOtaku were both playing Harvest Moon:Friends of Mineral Town and I told her about marrying the harverst goddess. So we watched this video on youtube about getting maried to the goddess and came to the conclussion thhat she was a mega wiotch. So we also watched one where she told the farmer she was pregnant and I was surprised she said ok good bye than jus left. So I decided to do this parody oneshot of life with her. So please enjoy and review. This is dedicated to that youtube video, so the farmers name/main character will be named Ivan. **

**Caution!: This fic contains violence, suggestive themes, language, and plain out OCCness.**

_**I Want To Marry the Harvest Goddess**_

Ivan smile at his newly bethrothed, the Harvest Goddess. He smiled at his wife, his hands quivering while holding her grip. The woman had a powerful presence, a presence more powerful than his own. He believed that marrying the goddess would be the begining of his new life, bUt little did the sucessful farmer know that this was only the begining of the end. THe two kiss each other uptop the alter and the sprites burst into applause throwing rice as they left the church back to Sanctuary farm.

**Day 1**

The citizens of Mineral Town smile throwing flowers onto the new couple as they retreat back towards their carriage. It seemed only happiness surrounded Ivan as the goddess kiss him on the cheek once more. He turn red and grip her hand. "Our new life begins here."

She only nodded. This was something that Ivan had greatly been looking forward to.

In only a matter of minutes they were back at the farm. Ivan picked up the goddess surprising her and they made their way into the large home. He placed her down on the bed and took off the hot suit. "Married at last."

The goddess watched him intently and waited until he was situated. Once he was done she smiled at him. "Well Ivan now that we our married what would you like me to call you? Honey, Darling, or just Ivan."

"Whatever you choose." he beamed. "I just glad to be with you." Just days before the wedding it was seen as a great sin to fall in love with the Harvest Goddess. When he confessed it was called bleasmy, but she looked over iit and accepted the humble farmers proposal.

The Harvest Goddess put her hand to her pink lips. "I think I like Darling."

"Darling will do." he shrugged in a nervous motion. "So I..."

He was quickly cut off by the Goddess. "Darling as your wife I must let you know that I won't be at home as often as I want to. Being Harvest Goddess I have alot of hmm... Harvest Goddess stuff to do."

"H... Harvest Goddess stuff?" Ivan raised an eyebrow.

The Harvest Goddess clapped her hands together. "Why yes my love."

"We... well okay." Ivan murmured looking a little dismayed. "But can't you stay home tonight. We just got married."

The goddess frowned. "I hope you understand that being a goddes is a 24/7 job."

"I guess..." Ivan looked confused. "..."

The goddess smiled. "Okay than remember to feed the cows! I'm happy were married! Okay bye!" And at that the Harvest Goddess had dissapeared as well as Ivan's happiness.

He slumped onto his... scratch that... their bed and sighed. "I wonder when she'll be back."

**Day 37**

Ivan wiped his forehead of sweat. He entered his home and kicked off his dirt ridden boots. He had been working in the field all day with the sprites and he was beaten. He walked into his kitchen and poured himself a cool drink of water. He quickly gulped in down and put the glass back in the sink.

A sudden bright light appeared in the living room and the Harvest Goddess stood looking around wildly. She spotted Ivan and narrowed her eyes. "Hey Darling."

"Your home!" He said his heart swelling with happiness. "I've missed you."

"And I've missed you to." She said quickly looking around for something. Ivan began to tell her how the farm had been prospering, but the goddess seemed to not be paying attention to anything he was saying at all. She turned around. "Hey do we have any booze?"

"What?"

"Booze. You know some Vodka or Crystal?"

"I... I don't think so." He paused. "Why?"

"Some other goddess is having a party and has been talking alot crap about me." She muttered not even paying attention. She looked to Ivan. "Well if we don't have any I guess I'll see you later."

"B... but you just got home!" He hopped up.

The goddess looked sympatheticly. "I know Darling and I wish I could stay longer, but you know being the Harvest Goddess is a 24 hour deal. I can't rest on the job." She waved. "Next time I'll be here longer I swear. Okay Bye!" And in a flash a light the goddess had dissapeared and some more of Ivan's happiness.

**Day 89**

Ivan sat on his couch watching the television. He looked down on the ground in pity. He had been waiting for something to happen... mainly his wife to return, but it had been almost three months and their was still no sign of her. He huffed and stood up. He was ready to go to bed. But as he approached the bed a bright light shone and the Harvest Goddess stumbled into his arms. "Hey are you alright." He was concerned at his wife's well beinb, but at the same time was happy to see her.

"H... Hey Darling." her words were slurred and she stood up. her dress was half on and her hair unruly. She looked to Ivan and plant a sloppy kiss on him. "I missed you baby."

"I..." Ivan looked at his wife and she rest in his arms. She suddenly convulsed and regurgitated all over the farmer's chest. He stare in horror at the vomit and try to hold himself in. The goddess smelt of liqour.

**Day 92**

The Harvest Goddess open her eyes and look at the man. Ivan stare worried at his wife, but she smiled. "Good morning Darling."

His eye's brightened. "Your alright!"

"Oww." she held her head. "I'm having one wicked hangover." She looked to Ivan who was still looked a little worried. "What's wrong."

He held her hand. "You were asleep for so long I thought you were going to die."

"Die!" She scoffed. The goddess began to laugh. "Plase Darling I'm the Harvest Goddess. I doubt some late night partying and booze could put me down. Hell even the god of... god of... uhh... whatever I forgot what his name was, but he couldn't stop me either. I'm fine so stop worrying."

"Well alright." Ivan murmured. Though secretly he was happy his wife didn't dissapear as quickly as she usually did. "So you'll be staying beacause I've already fixed breakfast."

"I'm sorry Darling." the goddess shook her head. "I can't stay, but I have some great news."

"What's that." He looked eager.

"Were having a baby." She whisperd holding he tummy. Ivan's face quickly grew to dismay and he stumbled back onto the ground. He look at his wife in disbelief and his eye twitched slightly. "Is something wrong Darling?" She went to check on him.

"W... we can't be having a baby." he murmured in disbelief.

"Of course we can." she whispered. "Your going to be a father."

"No, no, no!" He jumped up. "We can't be having a baby because we've never done... you know!"

"What are you talking about yes we have." she said.

"No we haven't! You've only been back twice!" he roared.

The Harvest Goddess's face turned red. "Than that means... wow!" She exclaimed. "I could'vs swore that was you. I mean I remember coming back to Mineral Town. It had to be you unless... man I must've been drunk or something or... no I think I sober. Man I really can't remember. But that's besides the point I'll be back soon Honey!"

"Darling." he growled trying his best not to shout at the woman who had betrayed his trust. The woman that had cheated on him.

"Whatever!" she waved. "Okay bye!" and with a white flash the Harvest Goddess had dissapeared as well as all of Ivan's happiness.

**Day 375**

Ivan sat staring at his farm. The crops had died and the sprites had left him. The farmer was a poor man. After he had found out the Harvest Goddess had cheated on him he turned bitter and cruel. The sprites left the farm after they found out he had work Timid to death. Ivan didn't care though he sat on his couch on the padio waiting for his wife to return with a child that wasn't even his.

"9 months..." he muttered threw gritted teeth.

Suddenly a flash of light appeared and the Harvest Goddess appeared on the padio. She looked at the gray grass her eyebrows arching. "DAM-YUM! What happened to this place?"

"This is what happens when a wife cheats on her husband!" He yelled to no one in paticular.

"Hey my bad." she said holding her hands in defense. "Anywho I have someone who would like to meet you." She held out a baby boy looking curiously on him. "Your son!"

"That's not my son." he muttered.

"Look just take the damn kid I couldn't find his real dad and I have like 26 other brats to take care of. I already have the court riding my ass for more child support." she put the baby under her arm and lit and cigarette. She huffed out smoke. "Look Darling I'll leave the kid with you and send you bout... 50 bucks a month."

"50 bucks." he scoffed.

"Being the Harvest Goddess doesn't pay as much as you think it does!" she yelled.

"That's it!" He went inside and grabbed a loaded shot gun. Pointing it at the woman he closed his eye's. "I'm sorry my love." He fired and everything grew silent. When he opened his eye's the goddess's stared at him questionbly. "You're... alive."

The goddess looked at her bloodied wound and healed it. She cleaned off the blood soaked dress and looked to him. "Are you a retarded. Hello the word goddess is in my name. I'm frecken immortal."

Ivan screamed and shot himself in the chest. He heard the goddess scream in surprise and saw her loom over his body shaking her head. "Some dad you'll be." As his eye's closed he let the darkness encumber him.

**Day 1**

In the confession booth Ivan jolted up. His eye's shot open and he looked around wildly. He remembered whispering the words. "I want to marry the Harvest Goddess."

Suddenly a voice boomed through the booth. _"Marry the Harvest Goddess! Thats bleasmey!" _

Ivan stood up and left the booth without hesitation. "You absolutely right. Where the hell is Popuri?

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**Review**


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